Why are Empaths People Pleasers?

0:09 Hello, I'm Kimberly and I'm Laura and today we're talking about why are empaths such people pleasers? I don't know. Why are they Laura? They should stop it. Laura, tell us. Well, first I think we have to say that an empath, you know, just for people that, you know, May be new to this, empaths are highly attuned people. So they're attuned to energy, emotions, feelings, and then they feel every, everything, and I mean everything. And feelings on top of more feelings and throw in a little extra over here and there. Right. And then they absorb it into their very being, and it feels like their own feeling. Right. So it's very difficult. Many of us are empaths. There is a book, it's not necessarily like focused on empaths, but there's a book um, called highly sensitive people. And in that book, I feel like she's pretty much describing empaths, but it's just a little different way of looking at it. And there are many highly sensitive people and there's reasons for that. And I think like we've talked a lot about it because Kim and I realized where it has come from for, for us in our own lives. Yeah. And even

1:25 Like our sensitivity, like our nervous systems and how we're sensitive to our environments and things. Like I think we over, sometimes our system is overdeveloped, our sensory systems to protect us. So some people become empaths or some people are empaths, I should say, from the time they're born. And I believe that some of this can be developed too. Like I agree. Impaths can be created in a sense. Okay. So that's an empath. We know what a people pleaser is. I think people do, you know, some are most women. Well, I hope, I hope not anymore, but we're getting smarter. We're getting smarter. Most people pleasers, they have like this intense need. It's almost like subconscious, like they don't even think about it anymore to satisfy others and to make sure that people get everything they need, even at the expense of themselves.

2:19 Well, I think it's addictive too, because I know that when I was younger, before I was in the awareness I am now, I loved making people happy. So it didn't matter what I did. I used to do kind of contracting, so painting, wallpapering, you know, all those things, fixing things and no surprise. But I just always loved making people happy and people were so excited. And I think that's one of the reasons why I loved it is you take a room and you make it look new and you give it a facelift and people are happy, you know. So then you take that into your family and your friends. And, you know, but before you know it, if, well, for me, I was constantly doing for everyone. And then even I started giving myself downtime. So I started making wine many, many, many moons ago. And then that became a job. So I think that's the other side of this is friend passes that, you know, you're people pleasing, but you're doing it in a way that it just, you, you keep developing new ways of doing it.

3:20 I know. So even, well, that's it. Even if you're, you, you have to look at this, like it's, it has to, it's affecting you negatively. Like this is different from being kind because you can be kind to people, but still respect your personal boundaries. You know, you can help people, but still, you know, if they call you on Saturday and you've been working for seven days straight and you're tired and they, somebody calls you and says, can you help me move? I mean, you can still say no, like because you need to protect your own personal space and your own needs. If you can do that, you're not a people pleaser, you know, you're just, you're just somebody who's kind and you can help when you, when it's, you know, convenient for you to help. But people pleasers, they just will, they just say yes to everything. They don't ever say no.

4:06 And then they're underneath it all. They're, they really are angry. They're angry because nobody sees them. Yep. Oh, that's the resentment. Yeah. So that comes. That's the resentment and all that, but then that you don't even know where it comes from. And I'm saying from experience, I'm a really, you know, I think I'm a quite nice person and very evolved, but I can tell you that I've gone through all of these things. I have been a people pleaser. I have, you know, and I am just a basically nice person. I love holding a door for somebody. I love, you know, I think if everybody took five seconds to be kind in a moment, it would make a big difference in the world. So, you know, I've, I've had the, what's the word I'm looking for? I've been very blessed to be an awakened soul so that I can go through these characteristics about myself as we've learned them. But we, you and I both have been people pleasers at different times in our life. So this is a really sensitive topic to us. And I think I was kind of laughing this morning when I woke up because when I wake up, I have lots of thoughts and they're different than the thoughts I used to have. They're more about consciousness and stuff, you know. So, you know, I thought about how we, how we're always trying to make everybody else happy, but then you get to this place where

5:25 You know, people say, well, you're, you're being selfish. Well, I don't know. I don't agree with that. I think it's more about. Do you mean like when you pull back from helping? Yeah, when you learn to stop doing it and you learn that that's a part of your makeup and you didn't realize it, it's like, what the heck? It's not something you want to do anymore. And then you start finding ways of protecting yourself from feeling like taking advantage of, yeah, sorry, my brain is a little tired today. Yeah, that's okay. Tired brain. We all, we all have that. Yeah. No, I definitely have gone through my own phases of people pleasing and I'm still recovering. I still feel like those tendencies pop up now and then and I don't need, it's so automatic. It's so, it's like this conditioned behavior and for something to be that deep, you have to understand that impacts often become people pleasers because they're trying to protect themselves. Right. And for something that like ingrained in your behavior, it has to have come from a place where it somewhere it was necessary.

6:31 Well, so if you go into your, like if any of us, we go into our life, you're going to see times that you felt vulnerable, you felt like, you know, maybe there was danger, like a lot of impasse sense and feel things on such a deep level that some people might not look at it as danger, but the empath does because it's, it's like that energy entering their field is so hurtful. It's like daggers shooting at them that they'll do anything to protect themselves from that. So you see, like how impasse often can fall into the people pleaser kind of category or behavior because they literally feel like they don't have a choice. They have to be there to be okay. Yep. And you know, impasse, they have such a high sensitivity that they need, they need alone time. They need solitude. They need to be in a place of self-awareness and to trust themselves. And this is where we see the failing because what happens with a people pleaser or an empath who's become a people pleaser, they're in like survival mode constantly. Yeah. So they're like trying so hard. They're like, oh, everything that's coming

7:49 At them, like every, every dagger, you know, they're trying to protect themselves and they're just in constant fight or flight or freeze. So they don't, they don't, they're not knowing, they're not in awareness and really the key to this is self-awareness. It is like a therapy session for you or for me. For both of us. I'm like listening to you and I know because we're so close, you know, we're, we're best friends, we're partners in business and we're, you know, we're, we're married to each other, obviously. So, but it's, it's all these things that as you're talking, I'm thinking about, oh my gosh, you know, we went through that and you went through that. And I think it's so, I think I'm kind of like this funny anomaly. I'm, I'm six feet tall. I'm a big, big woman, but man, I am so soft and such an empath.

8:37 And the more cleaned out you get and the more aware and the more you start learning to set boundaries and learning to, you know, have self-care and all these things, it's like you're, you're like this totally different person. And when you look back, you go, wow. Like you can't even imagine that you were that vulnerable, that you took on that role to make sure everybody in your home or your environment was safe. But that's what you do. You do do that. And I think that the universe, I'm always so grateful, but I am so grateful to be such a big energy woman and, and big in stature too, because I don't have to deal with some of the things that you would have to deal with. And, and you're, you're still a fairly decently average height woman, but people treat you differently than me.

9:29 Well, for me, it's like people think you're tall, you're five-sex. But I think it's the energy that you carry. Yeah, for sure. That energy for me works in my favor through my work. Absolutely. So people don't see me as a threat, you know, they understand that I'm going to listen, I'm compassionate, I'm patient, all those things like they get that just from a few words, like just from meeting me in a couple of seconds and 30 seconds, most people can feel this person is, I don't know, non-threatening, I guess. And then, and then so it works against me in, in ways when I have to stand up for myself and physically more so, like in a physical way, not like, no, it's, it's not like punching somebody in the face. No, no, but in, I don't mean that, I just face the face with another person.

10:16 Yeah, like, I mean, like, when you have to use your voice and speak and stand up for yourself. So kind of a method that's worked for me, which if I can remember to use it, it works fabulous, but, but something that I have noticed that works for me when somebody comes at me aggressively, I literally take a pause and take one step back. And that sends a message because the person's like, Oh, wait, was I being aggressive? They can't start to question, right? Another thing that works really well is if something is said and it's, you know, pointed, it's, it's aggressive mean, whatever, I, if I have the right space within myself to do this, I will say, can you explain that?

11:04 Yeah. Or what did you mean by that? Hmm. Because then it puts it back to the person. Yeah. So that they can then kind of analyze and go, wait a second, what did I mean by that? And it usually diffuses things. Well, because sometimes just somebody hearing their own words out loud, they, they stopping it right away because in coaching, we do that a lot, right? So it's like, what? Wait a second. And repeating something back works all the time because they don't realize this. Yeah. Can you repeat that? I'm not sure if I heard you right. Exactly. They didn't hear themselves right usually. So that's a good point. Yeah. So it's this like kind of like deflection, like we talk about the energy of our life force energy and Kim had me watching all these videos on Tai Chi, you know, and like how, how we like take our energy and we push it back towards, or we take the person's energy and give it back to them.

11:57 Using it against them. And this like little guy and he's beaten up all these big wrestlers and, you know, it's like, oh, wow. Like you can just take that person's energy and, and take it back to them. It's a documentary. It's actually really well done. It's so cool to watch it. I mean, I'm being silly, but it's, he picks all these big masculine, you know, the world's best wrestlers. And, and Tai Chi or, and the guy's a Tai Chi master, but he just shows people that it's the force you put out there that you get back. Yeah. So he uses it against them. So it's like he's taking the person, the other, the aggressor will say, right, takes their force and just mirrors it back to them. Well, and for me, Tai Chi is just the way of taking universal consciousness energy and becoming one with it. So you're, you're connected to all that energy.

12:43 Right. Right. So if you want to look at this documentary, it's called The Power of Chi. Yeah. But it's amazing. Kim made me watch it a couple of times. So now I'm an expert. Hey, I do pick some interesting things to watch, don't I? But yeah, so this idea that we have to, empaths have to absorb, you know, we have to keep the peace. We have to save people. We have to fix them. You know, we can, if we can make them feel better, we can fix the situation. And then if we don't fix it right away, it's like, oh no, you know, like I didn't do my job. But it's, it's a lot of energy to hold. It's a lot of energy to hold. It's a lot of energy. And so isn't it nicer to think about it in a way like you have your own energy contained, they have their own energy. When they try to push their energy into yours, you just say, no, thank you.

13:30 Give it back to them. Right. I love that. Yeah. No, thank you. No, thank you. I'm good. You can have it. And I'm learning all the time. This doesn't work very well in the beginning with people that you're really close with. I've learned that because, you know, we can, there's lots of questions. That you can ask to kind of put the energy back to somebody when they've come at you with something. One thing you can do honestly as an empath, just learn to say no. Like if you can learn to say no, then you can have self-awareness of when you actually want to say no. I love it when clients come in and they'll say, oh, you know, I do this and I do that. And I'll say, okay, so your people pleaser. And I might not say those words. Yeah. Right. But in your mind, you're clicking like, what can I do to help this person?

14:18 And they're like, they don't realize they are. And then when they realize they are, it's like they're offended. They're like, what? I'm that. And I'm like, wait a second. We all are to a certain degree. Well, that's the thing. Or at least we start that way. I believe when we're younger where when you get married and have kids and start family, you're trying so hard to be a good mom and a good wife and a good everything. But nobody teaches you to be a good you to you. It's not like that's not something we talk about until after you realize you're in your 40s, you hit a wall, you're not quite exactly where you want to be or things you thought might be a little easier than they are. And you start realizing that you're giving everything out but not replenishing. Yeah. And I hope and I feel like this is already changing because I believe so.

15:04 Yeah. Not not completely like not globally because a lot of people are still in that place. You know, people pleasing and in there for, for various reasons, but it's easy to fall into it when you're, you know, a wife, a mom, a daughter, you know, there's books written. I mean, you can, you can almost like see it like textbook. There's books written for the, the eldest daughter because the eldest daughter in the family always takes on all the responsibility of the mom and there's experts, you know, that I've written about this and said, you know, why do you, for instance, why do men recover from hip surgery? 30 more percent of the time than women and it's because women are already flat out burnt out, just completely spent.

15:54 They have not looked after themselves and it is, it is kind of like we're, we're stereotyping a bit here, but generally the study show that men take better care of themselves. They don't, they don't extend themselves as much as women do. And then you'll often see in, you know, you can go and there's other studies on this too, but you can go and look at hospitals and elderly mothers in the hospital. Who's there with them? It's the eldest daughter who takes on all the chores, you know, of the mom, you know, the family gatherings and things. It's the eldest daughter. This is the way it normally goes. Now I'm just saying thank you to all the people, women out there, men and women that do not take on all of these responsibilities that you set good boundaries.

16:48 You know, sometimes as an empath or a people pleaser, therapy is good because having somebody hear you and be able to put back to your behavior and then give you solutions, it's really good. You can find comfort in that because what, why does this happen? Like, why do we end up in this place? And we end up here because we're in protection. We're just trying to protect ourselves. But in protecting yourself, you're doing what everyone else needs. You're ignoring your own. And then what happens, you, you lose your identity. You lose who you are, you know. And when you lose your identity, then your identity becomes based on other people's happiness. Well, and think of how upset people get when you change because then they're like, wait a second, get back here. I don't like this anymore. This isn't the way it was. And, you know, this is, this happens in relationships all the time. It happens when in separation, it happens in many ways in life. So, and it's, it's hard, you know, I know we were reading things for this episode and reading, reading, reading, so much there. And narcissists kept coming up. And you think about that, like, what's, what's the thing about the narcissist? They're like, they're almost like this.

18:07 They're like a deep cavernous hole that nobody can fill, right? So what do they do? They want to go to somebody who will willingly give it to them and, you know, will fill their cup. But then they can't lose that person. So they emotionally manipulate empaths into, you know, feeling like you need the narcissist. You can't leave the narcissist. You can't live without them because they can't really, what it is, is they can't lose you, right? Because you are the one that you fill them emotionally and they need that. They need that, that kind of like, they need that, their battery recharged, you know? And so everything we read, we kept running into all this narcissist stuff. And I was like, well, it can't be all about narcissists, you know, but really, who would take from you until the point of your exhaustion, but somebody who didn't care about you for the right reasons? It would always be somebody like that, like the, you know, the narcissist that uses emotional manipulation.

19:13 They are the people because they put their needs above yours and they don't care that you're burnt out and worn out. They don't care that, you know, you need help or support or you're trying to set boundaries or whatever it is. They don't care about any of that because if you leave them, they lose their supply. So they're going to try to keep that power and control over you. Well, everything is energy. You can see it, right? Even when you're talking about it, I'm just imagining the experiences I've had myself, where the energy has been so built up around that, right? And if we only knew how, how much easier it can be when we identify with these things earlier on than waiting so long to make the change, because it really takes a lot out of you. And I think, you know, I'm 58 years old and we've been together for a little over 10 years. And I think you really don't know completely until you're with somebody, pardon me, who gives you the space to be yourself. And I know that with you and I, when you're too busy, I'm always paying attention. I'm making sure I can do whatever I can do to help you out and vice versa. And we're there for each other. So we don't allow each other to people, please for each other. The way we'll say, well, you know, I'm, I know

20:31 What my stuff is, you know, what yours is, I know how I can help you, but not to overstep that. And because then it becomes, then I get angry at myself because I didn't do something I wanted to do for myself. Yeah. So it's, I have way better. It's balance, right? You really have to look at the balance, like, yes, I want to be kind and help my partner. But if I don't do this for myself today, I'm going to feel resentful or I'm going to be too tired. And so I need to do what I need for myself first. And then I can be there for other people. Yeah. And I like that because we really do move from being people pleasers to being just kind people, right? Because then you choose, right? You just say, you know what, I'm not, I'm not in it to be abused anymore or to be, you know, to be with people that just want what they can get from me. And I don't think people set out to do it necessarily. I think it's a pattern they fall into as well as we do. So I think it's, it's just, it's just a dysfunction that we're all we've all been a part of, we've all been used to. And until you get to that place where, you know, I love being kind, I love people, I love life, I love, I love so many things. And I think I have more space now for more of the things I love than all the

21:48 Things that used to occupy my time that I didn't get that, that filling from. Yeah. So that's the trick of this because impasse are very connected to energy. So what happens is after a while, the energy can overtake you. So what, what do you do? You forget about yourself. You forget who you are. You abandon your own needs. You don't want to set boundaries because it causes conflict and you don't want any tension because you can't handle anymore. And the energy of everyone else overtakes yours. And so you don't even know who you are anymore. You can't find yourself. And it's interesting that I've, I've met lots of people in this work in that place. And when I ask some simple questions, they can't answer them. Like what are your goals?

22:37 Don't know. What makes you happy? Don't know. What do you want from life? Don't know. And it's because they have really been accustomed and programmed to worry about everyone else. And if everyone else is okay, they've decided that that makes them okay. So you can see the, you can see it on an energy level, like what happens because like impasse can take on other people's energy. So it overtakes them. So they, their energy is no longer important or worthy. And over time, that's the message. You're not worthy. You're only worthy when you're helping somebody else. You know, you're only acceptable when, when other people accept you for what you can do for them.

23:23 You are only loved when you take an action, you have to work for love. And these are the messages that impasse get on a daily basis. So of course, eventually you would fall into that place where you just feel like, if you keep the peace and you keep people happy and people love what you can do for them, then everybody is okay. So you're okay. And you're deep in thought. You're deep in thought. Oh my gosh, the triggers are going everywhere. Like I'm seeing, I'm seeing like how kids, it starts so young with kids. They're trying to, you know, let, let's be honest. Today, everybody's going 150 miles an hour and they're not paying attention to the most important things. And for me, the little ones are the most important because they're so you know, I always say they're so close to heaven. Kids are just so easy and so much fun, but we're so busy. We don't take the time with them. And you know, what I've noticed being grandmother is how simple kids are. They just want your attention. They just want your, your time, sit in color or act silly. And man, I act so silly with my, my grandkids.

24:30 And they laugh so hard. It's like, I probably shouldn't get them all revved up before they go to bed, but I can't help myself. I just love, I want them to go to sleep happy. So, well, here's the thing is that we know, like, okay, how hard is it? Like maybe you had an easier time with this. I don't know. You can tell me, but I found it so hard and still sometimes find it hard to say no. And when I really analyze why it's because I don't, I really go into it and I go, I don't want somebody to feel bad because I said no. But I need to say no sometimes for my own well-being. So it's putting yourself first. And I've had this conversation with, we'll say the older generation and they don't agree with me.

25:20 They think that you should have a responsibility to other people, responsibility to family, and they don't understand, they don't understand how do you, how do you put yourself first? I think that kind of comes a little bit from religion, too, because we're taught to do it the cost of us. You know, same way we're taught to suffer. I don't believe it. It's, it's like the worst thing we can teach people. But just because Jesus suffered on the cross, everybody's got to suffer. But here's, that's it right there, because I have said this to people. I have said, do you really think like, okay, religion teaches us that Jesus suffered on the cross for us? Okay. That's the end. That's a Christian belief. Okay. Right. But do you really think that Jesus did that so all of us could hang on a cross and suffer for each other? Like we're all supposed to be murders? Who benefits in this system? You know, right? Where did this come from that we all have to suffer for other people's well-being?

26:20 If we're all suffering, then everybody's suffering. Doesn't anybody get that? Like that's where I've been with this for a long time. I've been like, this makes no sense to me whatsoever. None. But I see it time and time again. And that's where I believe it stems from. And we are taught, like we were both in religion, you and I, and once upon a time. And to be quite honest, I, I love Jesus. I love Mary Magdalene. I loved all that. Yeah, like the question faith. Like, you know, like, there's other religions that probably make more sense. But this one, no, no, not so much. Like, I just feel like we've been, we've been programmed in this way. But if you really think about it, is it about control or is it really about uplifting people?

27:08 Right. It's, it's got to be about control because you don't tell everybody to do the same thing. That's ridiculous. We're all different. We're all unique individuals. And I, I know I've, I've even said this in a different way. When there is terrible things happening, you know, in the world or even in your country and your town, if every single person is in the pit of despair, then we're lost. Oh, we can't, you know, like even energetically, if you just think about that, if everybody is low vibrational, we're screwed. Like, so then, and then the low vibrational people get mad at you for being happy and high vibrational. And I'm like, but, but if I wasn't happy, you know, we'd all cease to exist. So, you know, like, that's it. I just, I mean, maybe that's an exaggeration, but I just, I don't think so.

27:59 I just feel like, I just feel like, where, where are we if we can't enjoy life? Right. And it doesn't mean that every day is great. You know, we all have ups and downs and we're human. Oh, and I believe we should help like, you know, my kids always, if my mom needed something, they'd always go down and help and they love doing it and they wanted no money. They wanted something to eat. They wanted food. Mom would be, because mom loved to cook for everybody when they came in, she was the hostess, right? And my kids were like, you don't have to give me anything, Nan. And she'd say, well, how about I make you my daughter love pineapple squares? My son was like a cherry cheesecake or, you know, whatever Nan was making, but they just liked spending time with her, you know? Yeah. Well, I just feel like I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you a little crash course on saying no, because this is what works for me.

28:50 Okay. So we're going through, you're going through all the things somebody asked you something. And before you answer immediately, because your reflex as a people pleaser, as an empath, you're going to want to say yes, that's your reflex. Because yes, is no conflict, right? No tension. But you got to stop, pause again, pause, take a deep breath if you have to, and really think, ask yourself, is this something I want to do? And the first reaction in your body should tell you, because what happens is if it's yes, you should feel relaxed, expansive, your chest should feel open. No problem. You should feel like your shoulders are dropped. You should feel like this is a breeze. If it feels right to you to say yes. If the person asks you, and immediately you feel a little tension in your chest, you feel your shoulders kind of curl in. Your head saying no, no, no, hell no, no. But some people don't, some people don't hear that, right? Like, like I would say there is an initial no for me, but sometimes it's not as loud as what my body is doing. Right. So if you start to have a little anxiety reaction, you know, if you hear no in your head, you got to trust your body and trust your first thought. So if that first feeling, first thought is a no, and your body's kind of

30:09 Like going into protection mode, and you're feeling anxiety or you're feeling a little nauseous or something, you know, you have to say no, because your body will tell you. And if you don't say no, then you're going against what your body is telling you, and it is not going to work out. And I will tell you to pay attention, pay attention to this whole scenario. And if you say yes, when your body says no, then you are, you're like betraying your body's trust. And you will suffer, you will get a headache, a migraine, you'll have arthritis pain, something will happen to you, or the whole like experience of you saying yes to something that you didn't want to do, that experience will backfire on you. There'll be something about it that won't be good. You'll get in an argument with that friend that asked you or you'll get a flat tire on the way to pick them up, or something will happen just like pay attention.

31:04 And so trusting that sometimes your mind will kind of try to erase the no, but your body won't, your body will tell you, and you just have to stay in awareness and listen. Now there are people, and I've met them, not very many, but there are people that they live to do things for other people, and they're perfectly okay with it, and their energy is very clean, and it flows and no problem. They have no like, it's not like health issues because of overworked or anything. There are a few people like that, but they're not the people we're talking about. We're talking about the people that are struggling with this, and that need better strategies to deal with it. Now, how would you, I'm going to ask you, how would you set a boundary with somebody, like how would you go about setting a boundary with somebody that has crossed your boundaries in the past? Well, I don't know exactly, I'd have to have an exact situation because every time, it depends on who I'm dealing with. It's hard because we don't want to name names either.

32:13 We've had so much experience, but there's people that, every time you call them, it's always about them. They don't even stop for a second to ask you how you are, and it could have been an hour and 15 conversation of this going on and on and on about their stuff, and it's never about you. That used to happen with me all the time, so I started finding ways of jumping into the conversation and talking and like kind of detouring them somewhere else, and I did that. Another way was going to certain people's homes that I knew, like, and I would set intentions and use symbols and everything before I went in to try to set the stage to have good energy, and if it didn't work, or if it only lasted so long because sometimes that would happen, I would, so I would go somewhere for a visit, and the same old, same old would happen, and I would just say, I would find a way, and I would get up and get out. I'd say, oh, I have to leave. I forgot.

33:17 Oh, I forgot. I had that appointment. You know, it's been great. So nice seeing you again. So we got to cut it short, and it would be less and less visits. So for me, what I'm hearing is like a plan, like you developed a plan to deal with whatever it is, bad behavior strategy to get out. Yeah, or like somebody who's not giving you space, like you developed a plan, and that was your strategy. But if it was something that we were in a conversation, like we had said earlier, where we would ask the question back, I've done that lots of times. One of my favorite questions in those situations when somebody is really upset and really over the top heated, again, you have to not be because you can't think straight if somebody is attacking you verbally. But if you can, just say to them, if you've exhausted all the explanations and everything you can do when they're still upset, then you can, and you want to end it, you can just say, what is it you need from me? You just said it, and I was going to say it, right? We talked about this years ago because I had somebody in my life that it just seemed like I couldn't do anything. You can do anything, right? It doesn't matter what. I couldn't give them enough time. I couldn't give them enough anything. And one day I just said to them, what is it that you want from me that I'm not giving you? And they were shocked. They could

34:36 Not even respond because people are so used to being wherever they're stuck in that mentality that they don't even know themselves that they're there, which I do have empathy for those people. I do because a lot of the people in my life that I've had the hardest time with are in their own way a people pleaser, but just the different groups of people. It wouldn't be their family. It would be the people out there that they cared about what they thought about them, where, see, I didn't ever care. What people think of me as my business, and I learned that at a very young age, but I was a people pleaser for a long time, but it was confusing for me because I still to this day love to do things. And sometimes I, you know, I'll be honest, sometimes I do know I need recognition for things that I've done, but usually only from you. So it's not from really- No, but I understand appreciation. Like if you've worked really hard, of course, anybody would love somebody to say, wow, thank you. Like, thank you for doing that. Like, why? Why are we working so hard if nobody's going to notice? I get that, right? But I just have this whole thing with boundaries because I've been kind of trying to set my own with lots of

35:55 People in my life. But I think about my kids and their teens, their kind of teens and going through lots of stuff. And who does a teen take out their frustrations on? It's usually their mom, right? Because they're safe to do that. Yeah. Like, mom's never going to abandon you and, you know, all that stuff. So I get it. And mom's going to forgive you and hug you. So, but, you know, a couple of times I've noticed with my kids that I've had to say, like literally stop it, like stop the discord, the back and forth and just say, that's it. Like you, you've said what you need to say, but you're really upset. So if you have more, like if you calm down and you have more, you want to say, you can come back to me later, but this conversation's done because they're so elevated. They're so heated and they don't even know what they're saying anymore. And when you do that, you're actually protecting them too. From themselves. Right. That's the cool thing about boundaries is that you set a boundary and it's uncomfortable and you think, wow, this is super tense and uncomfortable. But what is it? It's uncomfortable for maybe, what, 10 minutes, you know, or whatever. And, but you have a lifetime of understanding with that person

37:10 That that is your boundary. And if that person loves you, they will always try to respect your boundaries. And I think the beauty of boundaries is by setting boundaries with people no matter who we're talking about. It gives them an opportunity to see that their behavior isn't going to work and that they maybe need to check themselves. And then by checking themself, maybe they realize it wasn't about you or anything to do with what was going on. It could have been something from last week or last year that just floated into their right. Yeah. Yeah. And that's it. I think that boundaries are important because it's a healthy way of creating like that kind of scaffolding or that framework in a relationship to say that this is as far as I'll go. And this is, this is what's healthy for me. People that don't, when you're trying to set boundaries, I mean really, let's be, let's be real in good relationships. It's very like rare that you would have to reinforce a boundary and reinforce a boundary. And if somebody respects you and they hear you, they go, yep, she means business. And I really love her. So I'm not going to cross that boundary because this is hurting her and I don't want to hurt her. So that's like healthy thinking, right? But usually we're set in boundaries with people that are not

38:29 Thinking clearly. They're not thinking straight about things. So you set a boundary. They usually don't like it. They push back. And then you say, well, that's the boundary. And so that conversation is done for, for then, but then they cross your boundary again. And you say, no, this is my boundary. I don't want to go here anymore. And they get upset again. And usually this happens a few times before you go, this person does not have my best interest at heart because anybody that's going to be upset with your boundary is upset because your boundary is taking something from them. It doesn't serve them. And so they're mad. Right. So you have to really be aware. We know how it feels when you're talking to a balanced, stable, grounded, healthy person. And you're saying, listen, I just really don't want to have loud music on after 11pm because I'm settling down to go to sleep. So I don't want things, you know, aggravating me when I'm trying to sleep. And the person who is reasonable will say, you know, that makes sense because that's when you wind down to go to bed.

39:40 So I don't want to play loud music because that's going to bother you. Done. Right? Right. But, but that is not what happens in most situations because somebody who is respectful of you, actually in the first place, they probably wouldn't be playing loud music if they knew you were going to bed. Right. You know what I mean? So that probably wouldn't even happen. But, but if you have to push it and push it and push it, that person really doesn't care about you. So boundaries are a way of showing you and it's, it is painful, but boundaries are a way of showing you who is important in your life, who you need to invest in, and who you should, you know, let, let go basically. But I just think the, in order to even set a boundary, I mean, you have to have self awareness. So if you are like a, if you're a chronic people pleaser, I think you need to go be by yourself. And I've actually told people this when people are like, they're in a fog, they can't figure out what to do. They're just unhappy, they're swirling, they can't find, you know, their center, they can't find their groundedness. I, I literally have told people you need three days by yourself with nobody around.

40:54 And all you impasse know that is the best way to heal your energy field. I have to have time alone. I will start feeling crazy. If I'm around everybody's energy and actually the older I get, the more I love my alone time. And of course, I love all the time I get spent with you because we're alone together. And we do normal things like enjoy the sunsets every night and go for a walk and go to the beach. And we do all the things we always love to do. So, but if I don't get my alone time, I, and alone time for me could be gardening, could be building something, fixing something, you know, it's just, I need to be alone with my thoughts. I need to be alone just to be. Yeah, without anybody's energy right field. Yeah, you can really tell what's yours. And what somebody else's and you can process things easier. It's the best healing for your aura. Now, if you're a busy parent, and you don't have time, you can't take three days away, or maybe, maybe you have, you know, pets or something, you can't have three days to yourself 15 minutes a day in silence. Because then it gives you time to process. And you should be asking yourself things like what, what do I need? What do I want? You know,

42:14 Where do I want to go? Like how do I, how do I, what do I do to achieve that? Because most people I believe are burnt out, but they're not, they're burnt out. They take on too much, but we also take on too much of other people's responsibilities and other people's energy. And we take the responsibility of their well being when really it should be theirs. Right. Their responsibility to make sure that they're well and that they have everything they need. I have two grown adult children and they're 30 and 36. And, you know, there's times when I have worry for them, but I've never lost sleep because I'm not that person. I believe that no matter how hard the situation is they're going through at the time, I trust that they have within them what they need to be successful in their life. Yeah. So they can fumble around. And, you know, my son has four kids, they're half crazy all the time and I know it, but for the most part, they're good.

43:11 Yeah. They're just crazy sometimes and aren't we all. Yeah. And that's the thing. If you feel like you can't implement some of the things we're talking about, your rescue 9-1-1 for a people pleaser who's an empath is solitude and also a low sensory environment. Right. So take your solitude, but don't spend all your solitude on your phone looking at things or don't, not all your free time. You know, don't, don't go away somewhere and then say, well, I'm going to read these three books while I'm there. Like you don't fill yourself. You don't fill your environment with things. And if you can't take the time away, then you can decrease your kind of stimulus in your environment because impasse are not good with bright lights, fast moving things, loud things. They're just not your dancing. Yeah. Dancing. I like my music really loud when I'm dancing. Go ahead and dance. But, but no, it's, it is a thing. Impasse need more recovery, like time more downtime than a lot of people. And if you don't have the downtime, then you don't have the space. And if you don't have space, you can't think, you can't process. When I was about 38, I had what I would call a breakthrough.

44:29 People call them breakdowns, but I always say nobody has a breakdown and stays broken down. They have, it's a breakthrough. So you learn something about yourself. You figure out where you're at and where you want to make changes. And you move forward. And you move forward. You know, and for me, I couldn't take time like I could never have three days alone, you know, but I could lock my bedroom door and tell everybody that I was going to go have a bath and I would light a candle. I would play soft music. I would sit and read a book, but I would just take an hour for myself, you know, and I would build from that or go for a walk or, you know, I put things. So, you know, it doesn't have to be complicated. It doesn't have to be hard. You just have to find what works for you. Well, and then, and then one big piece of this. So let's say you've had your alone time, you're feeling much more clear and you've kind of figured out there's some things in your environment you don't want. They're agitating or draining and you get to the place where you're feeling pretty good. Maybe you're even doing that. You're taking time for yourself every day.

45:32 The next part of this is compassion. Compassion that you would give other people, you need to give back to yourself. Absolutely. And that's the kind of compassion where you don't beat yourself up. You realize that other people's feelings and emotions are not your responsibility. And so if you can't do something, you don't want to do something and they're upset about it, they own that, not you. That's the other side of this is being a people pleaser. You're taking that from the person. You're taking that learning from them or that awareness from them. They need to learn for themselves. And the more the one thing I've really noticed lately is the more we take the energy out of the equation, the more the real problem can be, it can look for ways of being solved because you're always there to try to solve it. Well, if you stop solving it, the real person having the problem, they need to start dealing with it.

46:26 Well, how can they, if you're still feeding that energy, that that's the biggest problem with what's going on in the world today is that in my mind, everybody's got their head in their phone looking at the news and the politics and all the, all the really hurtful stuff. And I am still this person where I'm going, some of us have to keep our energy cleaner because we're trying to hold up an energy of consciousness so that everybody doesn't fall apart. So some of us, I have felt all my life like I'm destined to be this person. I have big energy, I have big love, I love, love, love, love people. And sometimes loving them, the more I can love them is by staying away from them. Yes. So that's a good point that you aren't, it's not a loving act to do everything for somebody else. Right.

47:18 We know on a soul level, everybody has a soul plan, they have things to do here. It's not your job to take away all the conflict and challenge in somebody else's soul plan. Their soul plan means that they have to take on their own challenges and learn from them. What if you're prolonging their development or their growth by doing absolutely is doing that by doing everything for them. And, and so this is the part where people pleaser has to step back and say, wait a second, am I doing my job as, as a wife, as a mom, as a friend, as a sister, am I doing my job? Because if I was really thinking about what is kind to that person's soul, it's not kind to take away their growth or their lesson or their lesson. The experience is theirs to have. And that's, I think we, we waste a lot of our energy and a lot of people get ill because they're, they're trying to be something for somebody else that can't be for themself. Yeah. So distinguish, try to distinguish the difference between what is people pleasing and what is actual kindness. And the way that the, we talked about saying no, and that kind of thing, and the response in your body,

48:35 But you also can just logically, you know, if something is good for you or not, if you have worked all day and you're tired and somebody calls you and says, Oh, listen, my stove broke. Can I come over and make my supper in your kitchen? Well, I'm sorry your stove broke, but I'm exhausted. And I don't think tonight's a good night because that person can go and do something else. They can make a different choice. And if you let them come, you're betraying your own boundaries because you've worked all day and you're exhausted and you don't want somebody in your kitchen while you're trying to rest. Well, I could, they can borrow my camp and stove. Here you go. Well, honestly, I just made that up, but you know what I mean. Me too. Yeah. You can come over and get the Coleman stove. Oh my God. But you know, through, through self-awareness and through identifying your triggers, like what triggers you, because I mean, oh my gosh, like, you know, it's just like you realizing, like you have this person in your life that they're never happy. They're never happy with anything you do. It doesn't matter, you could stand on your head and, and juggle plates and they wouldn't be happy.

49:47 You know, so, so yeah, like that's a trigger, right? So when you look at the trigger and you go, okay, so why does that happen? And then what is my part in it? And so a lot of people talk about Mel Robbins book, the let them theory, but what they don't realize is like she emphasizes, let them, but let me behave people appropriately, right? So there's something that you have to do. It's not all about them. And it would be a wonderful world if everybody just thought about other people and respected space and boundaries, but we don't live in that world. So it's up to you to set your personal boundaries, know what they are, and stick to them. And I can say that I've done all of the above, everything we've talked about today, I've been there, I've done it, and I'm at a place now where I actually really, I love all the people in my life. I just don't love to be around them all the time. Oh, and I, you know, the thing you realize this and how, how do we realize that we get into a place where we start to challenge the negative beliefs we have. Like if you, you have a belief that you have to earn love, right, if to earn love from your family. So you have to work for them, you have to paint their houses and do

51:05 Their gardening. So they'll, so they'll respond in some version of love. And then you realize, well, that, that doesn't make me feel good. I have to work so hard for acceptance and for love. So challenging that, that belief. So what's the deep down belief is I'm not worthy on my own. I'm not worthy of love. And I'm here to tell you that every single one of us is born worthy. And we are love. And we are love. And so if somebody is withholding love and saying, if you don't do this, this and this for me, that's not love. That's not love. And that's not acceptance. And that's not a person that you really need around you. So really building a community of people is important. Challenging your own negative beliefs so that, you know, you, because I get into that too, I, it's an old, old thing from my previous life of believing that I'm not worthy.

52:03 And I'm not good enough. And I haven't done enough. And it pushes you into perfectionism. It pushes you into beating yourself up. It's not a nice place to be. And it's not fun to be in your own head when you're doing that to yourself. So challenge those beliefs with, with information and logic. Is this really true? Do I really feel this way? Or is this something that I've taken on from somebody else over the years? And I've done that many times where I just go, wait a second, I, I'm doing it again. Like I'm in the place where I feel like I'm not good enough. I'm not measuring up, but I'm good enough just by existing anybody that loves me is going to love everything about me. You know, like my wife loves everything about me, even the annoying things. I think they're cute. She thinks my annoyances are cute.

52:51 Whereas other people really, they really did bug them. They really did annoy them. So, you know, well, I think when you see somebody just being their authentic self, no matter what, that that is so attractive. That's true. It's true. So I just, you know, and I think this topic is so interesting. I mean, I we could talk about this a lot, but oh my gosh, I think that when we're young, we're trying so hard to please everybody and fit in and all those things, but wouldn't it be so great if we could just be seen for who we are and accepted for who we are? My advice to so many people is don't fit in. It's, it's so boring when everybody fits in. Oh my God, we need, we need fun. We need uniqueness. We need different experiences like don't, don't fit in. I couldn't be anybody different than who I am because I would not be happy, especially after all of the work I've done, we've done together. And sometimes you get gifts, you know, sometimes things are, they seem in the moment like they're really hard, like you separate from, you know, a spouse and, and everybody is mad at you or whatever. It's, it can be quite a gift because you have permission to stay away. And in the staying

54:07 Away, you start to realize because your visits are very short, like you just don't see those people unless it's some big event. And then you see them and then after time lapses, you start looking back going, wow, am I ever different? But really, you're just more who you are because you don't have all those people to, to make happy anymore. You just have you to make happy and the happier that you are, the more you emanate love out into the universe. Right. The more you're you, you know, I love that about Wayne Dyer. He said that and a lot of people said that, that I love listening to, but, you know, just, just be you, you came here to be nobody different. You came here to be you. And you know, that's one of the things I loved about Jesus was when, when he said, what I always say to people, I don't worry about the rock checkers. Jesus didn't either. So why do I have to worry about people that don't like who I am or like what I'm being. And you and I get ridiculed because we're in the out there kind of field where your psychic medium, I'm in the healing field. And you know, I was seeing, I don't see it the same all the time, but there's been so many times I've seen people's past lives and their, their spirits that have passed on standing beside them talking to me. And I've had all the same experiences as you just in different ways. And can you imagine

55:26 Like, I trusted a hundred percent. That's right. Can you imagine what a world it would be if everybody was doing exactly the same thing? I mean, we all have to do different things. And that's okay. So that really, if you are feeling this, if you're feeling this episode today, and it's hitting you, your only job really is to embrace your authenticity, embrace everything you are, taken all the good and the bad and just know that in the end, it makes a beautiful picture. And I remember explaining this to somebody at one point, and they just could not understand where I was coming from just because of all the hardship I had been through. And I'm pretty sure it was a psychologist I was talking to, but I was saying, you know, I'm okay with those terrible things, not because they happen to me because I still have to process grief and trauma and all that. But I actually understand that that's just a small piece in the quilt of life.

56:24 And my life is a beautiful quilt and I'm grateful for it. So all those little things, they don't really get to me because I know they're just part of the picture. Well, the further away from the dysfunction and all the stuff that you get, the closer you get to everything you came here to be. That's right. So listen, love all your bits back together. Love all your pieces, whether you believe them to be good, bad or ugly, pull everything together because I promise the bigger picture is a beautiful one. Absolutely. See you next week. If you're interested in contacting Kim for Soul Awakening Coaching, please contact her at mksoulcoaching.com. If you'd like to check out my website and everything that I do, please go to laurawarrenmedium.com.